BEDALIS IR LABDARYS. Dialogai ir monologai / A LOSER AND A DO-GOODER. Dialogues and Monologues (in Lithuanian) Vilnius: Apostrofa, 2013

Extracts in English


I work with pigeons

IMMIGRANT: But I’m on my way to work! I have a job!
OFFICER: And what is your job?
IMMIGRANT: I work with pigeons.
OFFICER: With pigeons? Where?
IMMIGRANT: In a large square... The one... with lions.
OFFICER: Trafalgar Square?
IMMIGRANT: Maybe. I don’t know.
OFFICER: And what exactly do you do?
IMMIGRANT: Pigeons sit on my hand and people take photographs.
OFFICER: Uh... That’s not really a job.



A Hat

-- Can you imagine?
Sending us to prison!
And for what? A hat!
Some woolly hat was lying on the floor,
I picked it up to only have a look,
I thought it might be handy for the baby!
My son will have a baby very soon.
How soon? In six months time! A bag?
What bag?
It was a hat! You mean, what was inside it?
Something might have been.
The earphones? Well, perhaps.
Some earphones might have been inside it.
And how am I supposed to know?
A bankcard? Yes, there was.
But I didn’t take it! I don’t need it!
For a thousand years!
What’s it to me?
I’ve no idea why it was in the hat.
I didn’t put it there.
True, I got it out.
But I didn’t take it!
Why are they telling me that finding
Is the same as stealing?
Nowhere in the world.
In my own country –
How many things
You happen on a street to find!
So what? Would you not take them?
Phones, wallets, anything – and so?
What would you do?
Throw them away?
And here!
Just for a hat!
A handbag?
No handbag was it.
It’s a hat, I tell you.




A Loser and a Do-gooder

'You see, when I first came to this country I met some bad people - they took my passport and I had to slave for them a whole year, but finally I ran away.'

'To slave for them? What do you mean by that?'
'To do everything... For nothing. But I ran away from them.'
'And where do you live now?'
'By the palace.'
'What palace? Buckingham Palace?'
'I don't know. By the large one. Where the demonstration was yesterday. A lot of people were there.'

'What sort of demonstration? The Tamil one?'
'Who? I don't know, there were a lot of people there.'
'Was it by the Houses of Parliament?'
'Maybe. A beautiful, large palace.'
'Who's going to let you sleep by the Houses of Parliament? They'd move you immediately.'
'Well, not right by the palace... I know a place there – on the grass – it's a great spot.'
'I need some information about you. Do you have any medical conditions?'

'No I don’t. The only thing is I had my stomach removed, you see, I had three operations - they were very good doctors - they put in some kind of tube, I had to relieve myself into a bag, but then some good people took pity on me and did something so I didn't need those bags any more, and instead...
'Do you have any mental health problems?'
'My skull was split here when a bomb exploded.'
'What bomb? A terrorist bomb?'
'What terrorists? This was a long time ago.'
'Was this during your revolution?'
'What revolution? No, no, a German bomb.'
'German? What year was this? I don't understand.'
'There were lots of those shells lying around. Left over from the war.'
'Which war? The Second World War?'
'I don't know, probably. The last war. We found a shell and threw it into a bonfire. And then: bang! My friend was torn to pieces, and my head got hurt here a bit... Since then I see these arrows on the edges of plates but as I haven't eaten off a plate for a long time, they –'
'Listen, I don't have a lot of time. Where were you born? In Lithuania?

'Both of my parents were deported. They met in Siberia, got married there, I was born there but I grew up in Lithuania...'
'So they were deported to Lithuania?'
'But I really want to ask you about getting my clothes back.'
'Yes, you keep asking about your clothes. But believe me, your clothes are not your biggest problem right now.'
'But if I go back to Lithuania how can I go dressed like this?! How am I going to enter the country - looking like this? I don't have any other clothes. I don't have any money to buy any clothes.'
'Well, alright, what clothing was there and how many items, a lot?'
'No, not a lot. A pair of track suit bottoms, a black leather jacket and a t-shirt...'
'And that's it? That's all?'
'Yes, but you have to understand, those clothes are very important to me because...'
'Let's get back to the matter at hand. You're suspected of having stolen a carp. A very large and very expensive carp that has disappeared from a lady's pond. Worth a thousand pounds. The police were looking for the culprits and came across you in the street. They say that you had a very strong smell of fish on you, and for that reason they thought it was you who stole the carp. Since they didn't find the carp on you, they suspected that you had eaten the carp.'
'I didn't steal any carp!'
'So why were you smelling of fish?'
'Well, I met up with some friends - they also collect scrap metal. We wanted to get warm, we were drinking vodka in a park, I think we were eating herring... we had to chase the vodka down with something...'


The Theory of Probability

'It says here that last night you were drunk and yelling loudly in the street. Do you agree with that?'
'Yelling? I don't remember, I was drunk.'
'It says that you were shouting. Were you shouting?'
'I don't remember.'
'I understand that you don't remember, but could that have been the case?'
'I don't remember.'
'I'm not asking you now if you remember or not, I'm asking if that's possible. Is that possible or not? Yes or no?
'Well, no, it's not possible. Why would I be shouting?'
'So it's not possible?'
'No.'
'So you're saying that last night you weren't yelling in the middle of the street?'
'Well, I don't remember anything.'
'But you agree that your were drunk?'
'I was drunk.'
'In other words you don't remember.'
'I don't remember.'
'So it's possible that you were yelling.'
'No, that's not possible.'
'I understand that you don't remember - when I drink, sometimes I don't remember everything. But if you don't remember, it means that there's a possibility that's how it was.
'Well, no, it couldn't have been like that.'
'So you say you weren't yelling?'
'No, I don't remember anything.'
'But are you saying you really weren't shouting? That that's not the truth?'
'It might be the truth. But no, it couldn't have been like that. Why would I shout?'


Please Hurry

'Hello, I need the police, my husband's been beaten up, come quickly, please!'
'Hello. What happened?'
'My husband was beaten up, he's covered in blood, please come quickly!'
'What's the surname?' 'Marcinkevičius.' 'Muscavities?'
'Marcinkevičius.' 'Nickaveshees?'
'Mar-cin-ke-vi-čius!' 'Mersintevikeys?'
'MAR-CIN-KE-VI-ČIUS!'
'Perhaps you could spell it?'
'M.'
'N?'
'M!'
'M as in Mike?'
‘His name is not Mike!
“I mean “as in”!’

'Ah – yes.'
'And after that?'

'A as in Africa.' 'Alpha.'
'R as in rocket, C as in citrus, I as in... I as in... Icarus!'
'What?'
'Alright, I as in... India, then Nigeria.. Kuwait,... India, .... Canada, ... India, ... Uruguay,... Somalia.'
'Got it: Martinkinkykiss. Does your husband have the same surname?'
'That's my husband's surname, my husband's!'
'I was asking for your surname. Is it the same?'
'Yes, Marcinkevičienė'
'So it's not the same?'
'It's only the ending that's different, only the ending, it's the same surname, or, to be exact, it's the same surname but only the ending is different –'
'So is it the same or different?'

'It's a bit different...'
'Maybe you could spell it?'
'Let it be the same! Come as quickly as you can, he's been beaten up, beaten up!'
'Who beat him up?'
'I don't know. Friends!'
'So was it friends or don't you know?'
'Well, they're not my friends, they're his friends.'
'Your husband's friends?'
'No, they're not his friends, they're our neighbour's friends. Come as quickly as you can, I'm begging you!'
'Your neighbour's friends? Where was he beaten up?
'Here, in our house!'
'Your neighbour's friends were in your house?'
'A friend came in and...'
'Which friend?'
'Well, not a friend, the neighbour!'
'Where does this neighbour live?'
'In the same flat, in the same flat!'
'In the same flat as his friends?'
'In the same flat as us, as us!'
'So you live together?'
'Well, not together, not together, he's in another room!'
'And his friends?'
'I don't know where his friends are from, what's the difference, please hurry!'
'Miss, don't get upset now, I need to get all the information first and only then will we be able to come and help... What did they use to beat him with?'
'Everything, hands, feet –'
'Did they use any weapons?'

'Yes, they did, yes, they did!'
'What kind?'
'Well, those, golf sticks –'
'Golf clubs?'

'Well, baseball sticks, what do you call them?'
'Baseball bats?'
'Well, yes, golf bats, I don't know –'
'The ones they play golf with?'

'Well, yes, yes!'
'The ones they use to hit a ball with on a green, yes?'
'Yes, yes, a ball! They're made of wood!'
'They're made of wood? Golf clubs are metal!'
'OK, then, maybe they were baseball clubs!'
'So were they golf clubs or baseball bats?'
'I don’t know, I don’t know, what's the difference, isn't it the same thing, why are you asking these stupid questions?'
'Please Miss, don't yell at me. I need to get the information from you so we can help your husband.'
'OK, OK, but he's bleeding, a lot, please hurry!'
'Where is he bleeding?'
'His head's bleeding, please hurry!'
'His head? Which part of his head?'
'I don't know, the temple and the back of the head, it's bleeding in five different places!'
'Five places? And where else?
'I've just told you!'
'You've mentioned only two places.'
'Well, maybe four!'
'You said five.'
'Well, I don't really know, I can't see, there's so much blood, and many wounds on his head!'
'Is he bleeding anywhere else?'
'His head, his head!'
'Is he bleeding anywhere else?'
'I don't know, I don't know! How am I supposed to know?'
'I need to know where else he's bleeding.'
'Please hurry, he's not speaking anymore! He's passing out!'
'I need to know where else he's bleeding.'
'I don't know, I don't know, why do you keep asking me, please come quickly!'
'Miss, the quicker you give us the information we need the quicker we'll be able to come. So please don't interrupt...'
'Oh, God, he's collapsed. Oh, no!'
'Don't you need an ambulance?'
'Yes, yes, the police and an ambulance!'
'So why haven't you asked for an ambulance?'
'I have, I have! I'm calling you now! I've already called!'
'You called earlier? So have they arrived?'
'I don't know, I don't know!'
'Where are your friends now?'
'What friends?'
'The ones who beat up your husband?'
'They're not my friends!'
'Alright then, your neighbours.'
'They've driven off.'
'In what?'
'A car perhaps, I don't know, I don't know! Please hurry!'
'What's your address?'
'Favcit Road -'
'I’m sorry?'
'Fakit... Fuckwit -'
'There is no need for that. Give me the address!'
'Faceit or perhaps Favcheat -'
'Perhaps you could spell it?'
'F as in factory.'
'Yes. Foxtrot.
'What?'
'Carry on.'
'A as in alpha.'
'Yes.'
'Two vs.'
'What?'
'V as in... V as in...'
'W?'
'What?'
'What's the letter?'
'As in water maybe? C as in circus.'
'Carry on.'
'E as in... E as in...'
'As in echo?'
'Yes!'
'And after that?'
'T as in tango!'
'T as in tango.'
'T as in tango!'
'I've already got that.'
'And again!'
'What again?'
'T as in tango!'
'Double T?'
'Yes, I think so! Or maybe one. What's the difference? Why are you asking me these ridiculous questions?!'
'Fawcett. The number?'
'Whose number?'
'The house number.'
'Four - ten.'
'Forty?'
'Four, dash, ten!'
'Four, three, ten?'
'Not three, dash!'
'Three dashes?'
'One dash.'
'One, dash, what?'
'Four, dash, ten!'
...
'There is no such address.'
'What do you mean, there's no such address? No such address? We live here!'
'According to the information I have there is no such address. What's the post code?'
'The post code? How would I know that?'
'How could you not know your post code? Everyone knows their post code.'
'Quickly, quickly, come quickly, he's collapsed, he's already unconscious!'
'How can we come to you if we don't know where to go?'


Own Life


-- A man died in your room.
-- I heard about it.
-- What was his name?
-- I don’t know.
-- How did he die?
-- I don’t know.
-- The man had a lot of injuries. It’s obvious he was beaten for a long time.
-- I didn’t see anything like that. Everybody there minded their own business, and I minded mine. I’m not the kind of person to interfere in other peoples’ business.
-- Who did you share that room with?
-- Oh, a lot of people lived there... One, two..., plus the Poles... Fourteen people. But I don’t know their names.
-- How long did you stay there?
-- Two or three months.
-- For three months you lived in a 10 square foot room with another fourteen people, and you don’t know their names? How is that possible?
-- Well, I was introduced – his name is this, his name is that, but who could remember them all?
-- And you are saying that you did not know any of these people?
-- Not really. No more than to say ‘hello’ and ‘goodbye’.
-- But you shared a mattress with one of the men, one could say, you slept pressed up against each other.
-- But not like sleeping with another man! Not like that!
-- No, but still, next to each other.
-- Yes, but I had my
own life.




It’s Too Far


COUSIN: 'I gave him a phone number of an acquaintance, who promised to find him work in England.'

ACQUAINTANCE: 'I worked in that factory myself. But people didn't last there very long. I'm not going back there, but can recommend it to others. There's always work there.'

WIFE: 'He didn't want to leave his daughter. He loved her very much. He would have done anything for her. But he was very happy when he got a job.'

FACTORY WORKER: 'The work was hard. We worked overtime, on Saturdays as well. We worked in rubber suits and were soaked in sweat under them. We had to take them off every hour for a short while as we couldn't last in them for any longer.'

WIFE: 'His health is good: he doesn't smoke, he exercises and he rides a bike.'

FACTORY WORKERr: 'We lived in the same house with nine other workers from the factory - two to a room. But then his roommate's wife and child also moved into his room. We all worked different shifts so when some of us wanted to sleep, the others were getting up and making noise.'

WIFE: 'He didn't complain about his life in England, he said, "Everything's fine, it’s not gonna kill me." He wasn't the kind of person to complain.'

FACTORY WORKER: 'If there was a shortage of beds for the new arrivals, after finishing our shift we'd use the beds of those who'd gone to work. Then we'd swap again. Nobody bothered changing the bed sheets.'

FACTORY WORKER: 'We worked with him for two weeks. We had acid burns on our legs and feet.'

WIFE: 'At the beginning he'd phone me every evening after work. He didn't say much about himself, he was always asking about us. Then he started working on the night shift and he couldn't call me any more. I only texted him that our daughter was unwell.'

WIFE: 'One day he called me early in the morning and he said, "I’m coming back to Lithuania, today." I asked him why he had decided to come back so suddenly, had something happened? All he said was that he couldn't tell me on the phone and that he'd tell me everything upon return.'

ANTOINE: 'He didn’t answer my question; all he said was "I’m also leaving today."'


LORRY DRIVER: 'We were parked in a car park in the north of England. A man came up and asked if we were going back to Lithuania and maybe we could take him. I told him we had just arrived from there and were only going back in a week’s time.'

WIFE: 'He then travelled three hours by train to the airport. He tried to buy a ticket there.'

THE LITTLE PRINCE: 'It’s much further... It’s much more difficult.'

COMMISSION REPORT: 'He was trying to travel home to Lithuania when he became agitated and started acting strangely.'

WIFE: 'He missed his daughter very much, he always had her photograph on him.'

THE LITTLE PRINCE: 'You know, my flower... I’m responsible for her. And she’s so week!'

WIFE: 'He spent all day at the airport. He went to all the ticket counters asking for a ticket to Lithuania. But no one understood what he was saying... He spoke a little English but everyone kept saying "No" to him. Nobody helped him.'

THE SNAKE: 'I can help you, some day, if you grow too homesick for your planet. I can –'

ANTOINE: '"I can take you further than a ship," the snake said. "Anyone I touch, I send back to the land from which he came."'

THE WIFE: 'He became very upset.'

ANTOINE: 'Of course, he was frightened!'

THE LITTLE PRINCE: ‘Tonight I will be frightened even more...'

WIFE: 'It was from around midnight when I couldn't reach him any more by phone. I thought there was no signal or he'd fallen asleep or his battery was dead.'

POLICE: 'The officers escorted him out of the terminal and informed him he could not return to the airport. He threw his mobile phone on the floor; it smashed into pieces.'

THE LITTLE PRINCE: 'There... That’s all...'

ANTOINE: 'There was nothing but a yellow flash close to his ankle.'

ANTOINE: 'He fell gently, the way a tree falls.'

LITHUANIAN NEWSPAPER: 'A Lithuanian commits suicide at a London airport.'

COMMENTER No. 1: 'I can tell you, under the Soviets people weren’t killing themselves.'

COMMENTER No. 2: “Meaning: rather suicide than work for a minimum wage.'

COMMENTER No. 3: 'The poor man chose to die rather than go back to his homeland.'

COMMENTER No. 4: ‘See what emigration leads to. Terrible.'

COMMENTER No. 5: 'It’s all women’s fault.'

COMMISSION REPORT: 'While officers acted lawfully in requesting him to leave the airport, more could have been done to try to identify why he was so agitated.'

INQUEST FINDINGS: 'There was no reason to detain him.'

COMMISSION REPORT: 'Officers approached a man who was holding a broken bottle.'

INQUEST FINDINGS: 'The officers’ use of Taser and restraint was appropriate given the distressing scene which confronted them of a man inflicting horrific injuries upon himself.'

DISTRESSING SCENE: ‘I was minding my own business. I did not confront
you.

BRITISH NEWSPAPER: 'The family praised police officers for doing all they could trying to help him and save his life.'


THE WIFE: 'Why didn't the police help him? Why didn't they save him? Why didn't they understand even through an interpreter that all he wanted to do was to return to Lithuania?'

COMMENTER No. 6: 'He said, "I kill me," but they didn't help the man.'

COMMENTER No. 7: '"I kill me!" Ha ha ha! Bloody menials - go there without knowing the language. And that's how they meet their end.'

COMMENTER No. 8: 'He just didn't want to return to Lithuania, he preferred to die.'

THE LITTLE PRINCE: 'You understand. It’s too far. I can’t take this body with me. It’s too heavy.'


[…]



EPILOGUE

Death of the Poet

BOY: Listen! Can you hear the rejoicing?
Do you know where it’s coming from?
MOTHER: Where?
BOY: Crickets! Crickets are rejoicing!
MOTHER: They’re not rejoicing. They’re chirping.




APENDICITIS


Stork’s Advice

Jonas and Pranas walk through field and beautiful stork fly from the sky and standing before them. Surprise they stop and stare to the stork. Stork say to them, "Take all women and children from village and kill them behind the mill." They carry on walk ignoring the stork. "So, - say Jonas, - when is your son begin zither lessons? "



Forecast

Antanas and he wife Ona like check weather every morning. Every evening Ona burying Antanas up his neck in garden. At sun rising she going outside checking colour his face, and she tell what weather for the day. This method work every time. They very happy married.



Pancake In Space

Going dark Ona and Adela are sit in their garden enjoy summer evening. A strange sound hear about them and a space ship flew towards them and hovering above their garden. The space ship big, round and looked like giant pancake.
Ona turning to Adela and said, “Did you hear about cousin Jonas, his wife they see visiting cousin Pranas alone and then cousin Jonas buying 5 ducks in market and give one to cousin Petras’ wife and she already repaired cousin Pranas’ bike for him and taking eggs to cousin Pranas’ brother, who already visiting aunt Agota’s brother in Koopishkes, when he working for cousin Petras’ wife brother?”
“No”, said Adela.


Coffee Or Tea

Jonas and Pranas talking about carrots, they like subject. I love carrot coffee, say Jonas, I make feel young. I love carrot tea, say Pranas, because I can hunting in forest at night. That may be, say Jonas, but when have carrot coffee, I run as fast as horse. That’s possible, say Pranas, but when I drink carrot tea, I strong as four pigs. But when I drink carrot coffee, says Jonas, I more pick mushrooms. Pranas disagree: when I drink carrot tea, I play my kankles more sweet. Jonas say: really, I better like beer. Pranas says: really, I better like beer too.




Naked Pigs

Pranas and Antanas looking at animals in Antanas’ barn. Then they go looking at animals in Pranas’ barn.
‘People say animals always look like their owners’, saying Pranas. ‘Well’, say Antanas, ‘can only tell if they look like people, if people naked’. ‘Sheep not naked’, say Pranas, ‘they wearing their fur!’ ‘Yes they naked, because they not wearing clothes’, saying Antanas. ‘Fur is their clothes’, saying Pranas. ‘No, because you can still see at their private parts’, saying Antanas. ‘No you can’t’, say Pranas, ‘it’s covered with fur!’ ‘And if people had not lose their fur in course of evolution, they not need clothes at all!’ declare Pranas. ‘Ok’, say Antanas, ‘tell me this: are pigs naked?’



Women

Liudas and Romas discussing women.
"Best woman can cook, plough, wash, clean and fix house," say Romas
"No" say Liudas. "best woman can fly"
"Why is that!?" say Romas
"So she can repairing storks’ nests" say Liudas.




Moon

Antanas sees Moon and hurry to house to tell wife Ona
He bursts in his house
And there on table is grass snake and hiss

Antanas running and showing never again